GF Pizza Experiments 1 & 2 (Bread disaster, too!)

Having had very little decent pizza in the past three years I decided to try my hand at making it myself.  I used Soy and brown rice flour only (my mistake it didn't hold together very well).  It was tasty despite it falling apart flaw.  On the topping are BBQ sauce, cheddar cheese, and the much loathed red onion (if you watch the Show Chopped on Food Network).

This is my second attempt at pizza; in this on everything is made from scratch.  I failed at the mozzarella and ended up with a ricotta-like product (if it's edible then it's not really a failure).  The crust is soy, brown rice, and quinoa (more on that fail later), it was good and it didn't fall apart but the dough was next to impossible to work with.  The topping is simple, homemade tomato sauce; when everything is from scratch it's best to go simple in my opinion. 

Do NOT under any  circumstances use quinoa flour for baking because your product will look like this and you'll be sad:

It cracks and it's a pain in the ass to work with.  I threw out this bread because it felt like a lump of coal ... and it was butt-ugly too.  All the photoshopping in the world didn't help this. 

Stick with:

2 parts brown rice

1 part soy flour

1 part corn flour

plus 1/2 tsp xanthan gum 

(Trust me on this one)

Gross Things Rich People Eat

I've never understood why people who can afford the best parts of an animal typically go for the funkiest -or occasionally it's excrement.  I know that in certain situations you may not have any money and may need to resort to eating the garbage part of an animal.  I mean, if your staving and all the rich people are taking the most edible food I can empathize with having to eat the rest of the animal.  But to intentionally go out and eat something decent, good-hearted, all American people have enough sense to throw away?  I'll never understand.


Weasel Barf Coffee

When I see my parent's dog throw up and eat it I think that's pretty damn gross (and I think most people would agree with me).  But when someone has a few hundred bucks to waste and they buy coffee a weasel puked up somehow it's elegant and fancy?

Maybe it's not my thing, but it has me wondering two things 1. What's the draw with pre-digested food (abc gum?) and 2. Is the dog way ahead of the curve when it comes to fine cuisine?

Hell, I have some coffee beans and a weak stomach ... any buyers?



Lobster Roe

When I was a kid my mother use to tell me the roe was the best part of the lobster.  I was never sure what it was, but the slimy green and black ooze was never really that appealing to me.

As it turns out lobster roe is lobster eggs, and while fish roe (or caviar) disgusts me too there is something way worse about this, but I just can't put my finger on it.

I've never been able to bring myself to eat lobster roe; maybe because it looks like something Dr. Zoidberg created? I guess we'll never know.

I'm actually quite amazed someone looked at this and thought it would be a 'good' idea to eat it; or it was eaten on a dare.  In that case, I hope the prize was really worth it.

Sweetbreads

My guess is the name sweetbread sounds a-hell-of-a-lot better than pancreas or gullet.  Honestly would you rather eat something called  sweetbread or thyroid?  That's what I thought.

Just so you know: The fine specimen is on the left was once part of a cow  ... I just don't know which part.

Escargot

I've had escargot, and I never (ever) will again.  There is something very unholy about biting into a critter and then looking down and seeing its antennae.

They also have the consistency of vulcanized rubber and they sort of look like a certain part of a woman's anatomy (there, I said it).

After that first (and last) bite I couldn't bring myself to ever eat snails again, but people around me were eating them like they were popcorn chicken.  I suppose smothering them in butter and heavy cream would possibly help, but there's that whole antennae thing again.

Casu Marzu

Also known as "Maggot Cheese" actual maggots are used in the production and the base ingredient is rotten goat milk.  Yum!

Maggot Cheese is banned due to health hazards (having live maggots in it isn't enough?) but I have heard of a black market for this stuff.  Because  rotting, baby fly cheese is that good.

If I find an errant hair in my food I tweek, but maggots?  And apparently you're suppose to eat this with the maggots still alive.  If  they're dead then it's bad for you?  Go figure.



Tripe

I personally can't think of a better way to start my day then by going to a fancy French restaurant and ordering up some stomach.

If I'm going to pay good money for a meal I want chicken breast or strip steak -you know, a part of the animal it didn't use to digest food with.

What scares me is I do see people buying this at the store and I'm assuming they know exactly what they're buying.

I know times are tough and this is a pretty cheap piece of "meat," but there is very little justification for eating something's stomach in order to fill your own.



Foie Gras

Besides being extremely unethical (the whole force feeding ducks thing) and giving it a fancy name, this is essentially puréed duck filter.  One of functions of the liver is to filter out any bad stuff that was in the duck. 


So whatever "ick" went through the duck, well, now you'll be eating the thing that filtered it all out.  Sounds tasty, right?

Upon learning what the liver does in 4th grade science I made the decision not to eat a part of an animal that was used to clean itself out (I'm looking at you chitlins). And for some strange reason people think I'm the one who's nuts.  

Of course I might chose this over a fast food burger, but that should go without saying. 

And finally ...

This is a civet:

This is its poo:

From what I've read on the interwebs civet sh*t is some pretty good sh*t, but there's something about animal 'leavings' I can't quite get around.  But if you're more adventurous than me you can always purchase some Civet Crap Choice Coffee from Think Geek.